I have never encoutered a worse packaging system

[j@…]

#1:

$ sudo port selfupdate Warning: port definitions are more than two weeks old, consider using selfupdate

I just did, dumbass. Fix your errors.

#2:

Error: /opt/local/bin/port: port selfupdate failed: Error installing new MacPorts base: shell command failed (see log for details)

WHAT LOG? WHAT .... LOG? Very NOT-helpful. Again, fix your %&*($)%#(* errors.

#3:

Warning: Xcode does not appear to be installed; most ports will likely fail to build.

YOU ARE A LIAR - I do in fact have XCode installed. WHY would it appear in spotlight if it werent installed??

Seriously, get your brains together AND REPAIR THIS, this thing is a POS.

If by some chance, I have done something wrong, how about doing some better development on your upgrade strategy. For example, try NOT to SCREW OVER people who have been using ports for a longtime without incident. For God's sake , put some more helpful errors in your code so we know WTF do to instead of having to Google the issue for hours. Jesus flipping christmas.